Chapter I The Quest Begins
Jonathan woke up and turned to look at his beautiful wife lying beside him. She had long blond hair, and a face that would entrance any man. He carefully crawled out of bed and put on his coat. It was still dark outside but he knew the way around the small cabin he had built with his own two hands. He quietly snuck to the corner of the room and pulled up a loose board. He moved the battle ax and grabbed his bow and quiver. Placing the board back in place he shouldered the bow and quiver then walked over to the dresser and belted on his hunting knife. He walked back to the bed and softly kissed his sleeping wife. As he walked through the main room he grabbed the supplies his wife had packed for him the night before. Before he left, he went into a smaller room on the other side of the cabin. There his thirteen year old son was sleeping. He leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. His son had short brown hair and bright blue eyes. He had a muscular build from the many years of helping his father on the farm.
Then Jonathan walked into the crisp morning air.
The sun was just beginning to rise over the trees as he walked into the forest. He moved more stealthily than any animal and after a few hours he noticed some recent boar tracks on the ground. He examined them, noting that they were large and deep, suggesting that it was a large boar. Carefully and quietly, he followed them farther into the forest. He had a great sadness with him as he walked. Just yesterday he had received word that the king, Andrew, had been assassinated, and the generals of the army were now fighting for control of the kingdom. Chaos had consumed over half the country, and groups of raiders were scouring the country pillaging as they went. King Andrew had been his friend for a long time, knowing that he was dead and everything that he had worked for was falling to pieces was a depressing thought. He pondered these thoughts as he came to the edge of a clearing where he saw the large boar. He silently strung his bow and notched an arrow. He took aim and sent the arrow zooming in the boar’s direction. The arrow pierced the boar’s heart as it fell lifelessly to the ground. He strode over to the boar and struggled to drag it to the edge of the clearing. Many hours had passed since he left home that morning and it was almost night. He used some rope to hang the boar out of reach of any predators. Then he made camp.
Drake reined his horse to a complete stop and the other twenty men mimicked his action. He had a short untrimmed beard and long black hair that flowed down his back like his horse’s mane. He was a tall man with wicked looking features. His face was covered with many scars and his dark eyes were full of hate. They were at the top of a hill looking down on a moon-lit, small cabin and a barn at the bottom of a valley. Drake signaled his men to charge down the valley, and with the thunder of many hooves made their way down the hill. When they had arrived at the cabin Drake jumped off his horse and kicked in the heavy door of the cabin. The men charged into the main room and began to tear it apart while looking for food. Jonathan’s wife opened the door of her room and let out a terrible scream. Drake’s men began walking toward her with wicked grins. However, at that very moment the door on the side of the house opened and Jonathan’s son charged out with a dagger in hand. He jumped at the man closest to his mother with a roar, stabbing him in the chest. As he got back to his feet he felt a large, powerful fist smash into his chest knocking the wind out of him and bringing him to his knees. Drake lifted the boy off the ground by his neck. He squeezed almost to the point of suffocating him. The boy stared with hatred into Drake’s eyes and spit in his face. Drake drew his sword and with a wicked grin he plunged it into the boy’s chest. He dropped the lifeless body to the ground. The boy’s mother screamed and ran for the door. Drake ordered his men to go after her, and they grabbed their bows and jumped onto their horses. Only a few minutes later they returned with her arrow-filled body. Drake said, “Kill the livestock and let us feast for the night.” With that, the men went to the barn and slaughtered every animal in sight. They built a large bonfire and seared the animals flesh to the point that the fat sizzled and dripped into the hissing flames, and they feasted for hours on all of the food they found in the cabin. After a few hours they saddled their horses and galloped through the fields away from the cabin leaving a trail of destruction as they went.
Jonathan woke up and untied the boar. He then began dragging it through the forest back toward his cabin. He used the time to think and enjoy the sights of the forest. After a few hours he had made his way back to familiar territory. When he got closer he could smell something burning. He quickened his pace until he came to the clearing where his cabin was. The sight made his stomach churn. He saw the corpses of all of his animals bloodied and stripped to the bone, and saw that his field of long-tended crops had been scoured and burned. He let go of the boar and ran to the cabin. He entered where the door used to be and what he saw pierced his heart like a poisoned arrow. He saw his wife’s body lying there pierced by many arrows and his son’s body lay in a pool of blood, stabbed through the chest by a sword with a blackened, intricate hilt, shaped like two entwining serpents. The blade was covered in intricate patterns from the forging making it seem as though when one turned the blade the colors shimmered and twisted just as the serpents on the hilt did. Jonathan walked up and plucked the sword from his son’s lifeless body. He had seen this blade before, five years ago. At that time the owner of the sword was an evil man. This man was so vile that he gave even the mightiest of men chills. His tongue was that of a serpent, twisted and clever. His eyes were crimson like blood set in an evil glare that could paralyze any man who dared to gaze into them. Even this man’s name was evil, his name was malice. It was because of this man that Jonathan had been forced to leave his family and fight in that terrible war. However that man was dead; Jonathan had killed him with his ax during that battle long ago.
It had been a terrible fight, Jonathan was bleeding from many wounds, however, the rush of adrenaline was numbing all pain. All of his focus was on the enemy. The two of them danced back and forth on the battlefield. Jonathan rushed at the man hacking at his head, but his opponent was too quick and he dodged it easily. Recovering quickly, Jonathan rammed the butt of the ax into the man’s chest, but his thick armor turned the point and instead sent him sprawling to the ground. Before Jonathan could take advantage of the opportunity, the man was back on his feet, sending a flurry of strokes at him, scoring various nicks and cuts, but no major blows. This evil man was a master of swordsmanship, he had never been defeated, and he knew every style of fighting. Jonathan quickly realized that the only way for him to survive this encounter was to do the unexpected. Jonathan dropped to one knee and drove the butt of his ax through part of the man’s foot, planting him in the ground. Then, rolling to his feet, he grabbed his bow and notched an arrow. He took aim and fired, sending the arrow right through the man’s throat. When he saw that the man was dead he strolled over and retrieved his ax.
The sword that was now in Jonathan’s firm grip had caused more panic and destruction than any other weapon used by the enemy. It had been used to cut down many of Jonathan’s closest friends and allies and now to take the life of his son. He hated that sword more than any other object in the world. Jonathan lifted the lifeless bodies of his wife and child and carried them outside. There, he dug two graves for them and gave them a funeral. He prayed to God for strength and answers. Then, overwhelming sadness took control of his body, and he fell to his knees and wept. He wept for hours, uncontrollably; when he finally came to his senses he walked into the cabin and pulled up the board where his weapons and armor were hidden. He put on the old chain mail coat, and took up his ax. Then he placed his bow and quiver back on his shoulder. He wrapped the evil sword in cloth and put it into his pack. He silently vowed to himself that he would use that blade to kill the man responsible for his family’s death. As he was about to exit the cabin he saw something that had eluded his sight before. It was his son’s knife, which Jonathan had given to him for his thirteenth birthday. It way lying on the floor covered with blood. He picked it up and cleaned the blade. Then with silent remorse he placed it into his pack. He walked to the tracks of the horses and followed them out of the clearing.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there Wise One! June here, and I'm going to review this for you.
. Like this:
Welcome to YWS! We have a 2:1 policy, which means that for every one piece of work you post you should have completed two reviews prior to posting your work. It shows that you've completed one, so just do one more and you'll be good.
I don't really have much time to go line-by-line so I'll try to make this quick.
So, this is looks like it will be a good story so far! There are just a few things I want to point out to you about this.
Watch your pace! He wakes up, looks at his wife, and next thing he has on his coat. Relax when you write. There really shouldn't be any rush to get to the exciting parts. Make everything a little slower... in this chapter you kind of hurl a lot of action at us.
You do a lot of showing instead of telling. You inform us of everything that's going on, but we don't get a taste of the surroundings.
Remember to start dialogue on a new line
Steven and Clara walked out of the barn into the bright daylight.
"I'm tired," Clara whined, "I want to go lay down."
"Go ahead," Steven replied.
So! Just give us a little bit more details and "show" us a little bit more rather than always telling us.
Good job! Keep writing!
xxJune